reet narky

i can get reet narky sometimes.
here is a letter i wrote on behalf of my friend when he got a parking ticket one morning:


Re: Penalty Charge Notice no. 52754

Dear Sir/Madam,


I am writing to appeal against the issuing of Penalty Charge Notice (PCN) No. 52754.
I understand that the laws governing the issuance of penalty charge notices for parking offences give out that for a notice to be issued;

a) any given vehicle must be left unattended at the time that it comes to the attention of the traffic warden in question,

and that;

b) the vehicle must be seen to remain unattended by that warden for a period of at least 4 minutes before a PCN can be issued,

and that;

c) during these four minutes the issuing warden may fill out the notice which is to be placed on the vehicle but may not place it on the vehicle until the end of this period.

I do not believe that these procedures were followed in the issung of PCN No. 52754.
At the time that PCN No. 52754 was placed on vehicle AWB 24 I was descending a flight of stairs in Comeragh Road having just spoken to traffic warden VII 83 from a second floor window. The conversation that we had had went like this:

Myself: Excuse me, you're not giving me a ticket are you?

Warden: Yes. I'm writing it out now.

Myself: Please wait a moment. I'm just going to come down and move the vehicle.

Warden: You've got two minutes.


After this exchange I came down into Comeragh Road to find the warden walking away from vehicle AWB 24 which had PCN No. 52754 on its window.
Let me assure you that even on my worst day it doesn't take me more than 45 seconds to get my beautiful white ass and the tight rubbery bum tube it surrounds down a couple of flights of stairs. I can get from the second floor to street level really fast. I do this sort of thing all the time, yeah?...running up and downstairs, yeah, do it all the time. I used to work in a hotel, yeah?...used to be a room service guy. Part of my job was going up and down stairs for ages, taking people their soup and shit, right? And when I looked after my gran when she was ill and that, I was going up and down with pots of vomit mixed with blood and all sorts.
So what I'm saying is, I know damn well it didn't take me no fuckin' two minutes to get down there and see your pussy little queer traffic warden walking off with his smug self and my fuckin' car sat there with your cunt-arsed ticket on it.
Let me tell you this, right?...You lot better watch yourselves going near snazzy little green Rovers from now on, yeah?...The next time any of you cunts come any where near my fuckin' car, you better keep your eyes peeled 'cos you might miss the angry little white kid coming after you wreckin' shit man, ripping up the stones to get to you.
You got a tongue, yeah? You and your mates got tongues yeah? Why don't you use them to go and lick your mothers' fannies?


I ain't paying no fine.





Dominic Bond.




i got a wasp sting on my neck today n'all.
damn.

reet ponce:

I can be a reet ponce sometimes.
Here is a letter I wrote to a bloke who runs an independent cinema in Toronto.
It looks like I'm trying to kiss his ass so that he'll like me. I'm not. It's just, every now and now and then I really want people to think I'm clever...


Dear _____,
I'm writing becuase I really enjoyed coming to the cineforum today to
watch 'Truimph of the Will'.
I think that what you are doing at the forum is a great thing that
should be done a lot more in cities the world over. I know that there
is nothing like it in London, where I am from (or maybe there is - if
you know anything, please let me know). But, hey...you've heard all
this before....
Rearding your talk before the film;
I wonder if you have seen the new 'Superman Returns' movie. I don't
imagine that it is particularly up your street but when you spoke
about the christian imagery in Riefenstahl's film I remembered the
last 30 minutes of Singer's - it's basically the Easter story but with
a flying Jesus wrapped in the american flag. You've got everything -
the ascension (however it's spelled), the empty tomb...he even assumes
a crucifix pose several times while he's flying about the place...hmm.
While watching 'Truimph of the Will' I was struck by how familiar a
lot of the footage was. The footage, not the imagery. I felt a bit
cheated by every documentary film I have seen about the Nazis and the
war. None of their creators had, it seemed, gone very far outside of
this film to find any evidence of 'how silly those crazy Germans
were'.
As I mentioned above, I really enjoyed my afternoon at the forum
but I would like to make two suggestions to you about showing black
and white films in the space that you have.
I strongly urge you to try watching 'Triumph of the Will' with the
colour disabled on your projector or dvd machine. I find that when
watching black and white dvds projected on to a large screen the
colour articles that are present, particularly in fast moving
action sequences, become much more evident and can be distracting to
the eye, leaving you with blue and green edges on the moving white
sections. Of course, disabling the colour altogether does mean that you
lose some of the warming brown tones that come through from the reds
in the video, but I do think that 'Truimph of the Will' would benefit
from being 'crisped up' a bit. It comes down to personal
preference...give it a go though.
Also, I think that lowering the mid range or boosting the bass and
treble frequencies in the sound would help to deal with the frequently
pushed and sibilant sound that is found on older films. On modern
equipment this sound can be very harsh to the ear and lead to 'aural
fatigue' but is quickly checked with a little knob twiddling.
I know that 'Triumph of the Will' is not meant to be an easy ride. I'm
not trying to get you to create a multiplex feel in your forum. I hope
these suggestions are helpful.

Thanks again for a great afternoon. I wish I had more time in Tronnow
so I could visit you more - I wonder if you will be showing any of your
apparently complete collection of early 'Superman' animations soon.
Someone's gotta put that Singer kid right.

Best wishes,

mrtat.


...blimey; Superman and Riefenstahl...colour articles and aural fatigue...
I can be a reet ponce sometimes...