17 September, 2006

me me me me me...

So, I helped an ex-girlfriend move some of her mum's stuff around the other day and we found an old exercise book of mine. It had an unfinished story in it, which I must have written when I was nine or ten.
It was all I could do - while wallowing in the pit of self obsession - to type it up and put it on here for you.
I did not change a single word.
Here goes...




Chris and the Slime

Chris was a talented boy, talented at being boring. He only had one friend he could trust and that was his shadow.
His mum wasn't the most energetic person in the world, but at least she didn't lock herself up all day doing housework.
His dad was a teacher in a secondary school in Sheen. He was a lot of fun but strict at times, and as for his brother well he was a bit of a nerd.
Oh! He had a sister too! She was a maniac, every time she saw food she'd start screaming and shouting.
Chris lived in Kingston at the time but a few months after the event I'm going to tell about, he moved far away.
It was a normal Tuesday in school, and at break Chris and I went to visit our imaginary universe. We climbed into Herpes, our time machine and started pushing the buttons.
Chris was a little older than me but we were both ten. He was about the same height as me with blondish hair, specs and a large mouth like mine. He wore shorts sometimes but I was stuck in trousers because of my skinny white hairy legs.
"She's done it," called Chris.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"I dunno," he replied, "I just pushed all the buttons."
"Including the purple one?"
"All of em!" he snapped.
"Great."
"Wha's up?"
"Ev'rything. We've landed in dimension 13, the nightmare."
You see, our imaginary universe is where all peoples dreams go, the nice ones go to dimension 57, and the nightmares to 13.
I reached for the arms cupboard in Herpes and pulled out two armoured suits, four miniature laser cannons and six throwing daggers. There was only one way out of dimension 13, and that was fighting, you had to fight your way to dimension 57, call the time machine and go from there.
After arming ourselves, we clambered out of Herpes and looked around. All was dark for a while, but then a screaming, beaming light came whizzing past. We both jumped straight out of our skins.
We carried on through the void, searching for traps and all sorts. I then remembered I had a torch in my helmet next to the fan. I turned it on and suddenly the air was filled with screams and shouts and other inhuman noises. Very slowly, we crept through the ground cocoa beans which the strange light sprinkled.
Chris told me that he'd seen the beans somewhere before.
"Where?" I inquired.
"Oh, just on a plant I found last night."
A few minutes later I noticed the blank landscape was slowly turning into a dense forest of death. There were creatures ready to kill behind literally every corner, growling and spitting at each other.






That's as far as I got.
What a poof.
We also found a video of my old band, 'feedback' from 1991. Haven't watched that yet because my vcr blew up.

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